i had a big fight with my mother on a monday two weeks ago, and all the hatred and angstiness i felt towards her came flowing back. those ten years of negative thoughts and feelings that i have set aside after accepting christ, came back to haunt me. 

this carried on for one whole week, and during that week, my spiritual life was in ruins. i did not read the bible, i did not pray and i shut my ears from what god had to say. i did all these because i knew what god wanted me to do to let go of that hatred, but i didn’t want to do it. 

i just couldn’t humble myself to say a simple apology.

it was my mum who closed up that gap first. this whole week, she was the one pulling me back to god. she’s still an unbeliever, but has been attending the sunday services since i persuaded her to do so two months back. almost every night, she would ask me to read bible stories to her before she sleeps. she even ask me to find the worship songs that she sang during worship time. if not for her, i would have not touched the bible for two weeks. 

this period of dryness and disobedience was very similar to what i felt a few months back during school term. i did not seek help from god through prayers, but god spoke to me suddenly in a very strong voice this whole week. through my mum, and through j333 a prayer service.

usually i would daydream at least 50% of the time during normal sunday services, because the topics are not that specific to my needs. but during j333, i only daydreamed 5% of the time. it was only one hour long but i could felt the presence of god really strongly. let me elaborate on this further.

when i started praying during j333, i sank deeper and deeper into the subconscious state of mind so much that i thought i was in another space. to add to this, i could feel god moving my mouth and tongue muscles, almost as if he was ready for me to speak in tongues. i was not sure whether it was me over-imagining or if it was truly him moving. i stopped praying for a while to concentrate on what was happening around my mouth. 

matthew shared during last friday’s bbq session that christians can control when they start and stop if they are speaking in tongues, unlike those ji tongs who claimed that what they experienced was uncontrollable. 

so the question i was facing at that point in time is: am i able to control my muscles then? 

the answer is a resounding yes. i could bite my lips and stop the mutterings but i didn’t, because i want that spiritual gift.

another thing happened during the intense praying. out of nowhere, in the depths of the darkness in my mind whilst i was praying, i saw a fish. i thought it was the fish from the “jesus feeds the 5000” story. but then it didn’t really fit in to what i was experiencing. then i asked joey and gabriel, who attended j333 as well. they said fish is a symbol of god. again, it didn’t really make sense to me why jesus decided to appear in that manner. 

so i messaged matthew. and he said it meant god wants us to be fishers of men, and to let more people know more about god. evangelism.  

god knows me best. 

when i stopped praying during that two weeks, i stopped the prayers of salvation for my love ones as well, and i felt guilty about it. but i know all that has happened this week, my mom asking me to tell her more about god, the fish and its meaning and me seemingly able to speak in tongues, are there to encourage me to take the leap of faith (as mei-iin puts it) and spread his word. 

you are so kind and faithful god. 

=D

to sum up, here’s a parable from the bible to share:

Matthew 20

The Parable of the Workers in the Vineyard

   ³ “About nine in the morning he went out and saw others standing in the marketplace doing nothing. ⁴ He told them, ‘You also go and work in my vineyard, and I will pay you whatever is right.’ ⁵ So they went.

   “He went out again about noon and about three in the afternoon and did the same thing. ⁶ About five in the afternoon he went out and found still others standing around. He asked them, ‘Why have you been standing here all day long doing nothing?’

   ⁷ “‘Because no one has hired us,’ they answered.

   “He said to them, ‘You also go and work in my vineyard.’

   ⁸ “When evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his foreman, ‘Call the workers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last ones hired and going on to the first.’

   ⁹ “The workers who were hired about five in the afternoon came and each received a denarius. ¹⁰ So when those came who were hired first, they expected to receive more. But each one of them also received a denarius. ¹¹ When they received it, they began to grumble against the landowner. ¹² ‘These who were hired last worked only one hour,’ they said, ‘and you have made them equal to us who have borne the burden of the work and the heat of the day.’

   ¹³ “But he answered one of them, ‘I am not being unfair to you, friend. Didn’t you agree to work for a denarius? ¹⁴ Take your pay and go. I want to give the one who was hired last the same as I gave you. ¹⁵ Don’t I have the right to do what I want with my own money? Or are you envious because I am generous?’

   ¹⁶ “So the last will be first, and the first will be last.”

what would happen if god calculated the pay according to the hours that those people worked? similarly, what would happen if god calculates our blessings and chances of going to heaven according to what we did? if people were to know about god only before they died, would that mean that they will only be able to enter the heaven with 1% chance?

i am a stubborn and rebellious kid. i was once full of hatred and depressing thoughts. but when i looked back at what god gave me despite me turning to christ late and disappointing him again and again, he still blessed me abundantly.

i got the ych scholarship and an internship with tremendous things to learn. when i struggled to open my mouth to invite my mother to church, i prayed to god, and he answered within hours. if not for him, i wouldn’t have the courage to let my mom know the existence of god. if not for him, my mum wouldn’t be on her way to salvation. 

there are so many other little things that he did for me, but sometimes, i took it for granted.

it’s a constant struggle with loving people, but i pray that god will help me to do it. 

oh with regard to my internship, i think i shall update it a bit here. 

the hours are long, from 0800 to 1800.

there’s no pantry.

the toilets are very smelly and are those squatting kind.

but:

i got to interview the managers from different departments on how they do their work.

i documented it down on their SOPs.

i got to do the job hands-on. 

the changes i proposed are accepted by them.

which intern gets to learn so much and experience so much within just 2 weeks? and it is only the beginning of the learning journey.

i thank god for this job =D